Don’t Mind My Musing
I need to do some thinking on the keyboard. You’re invited to look over my shoulder while I type. Normally, I get really pissed off when people try to do that (I do a lot of work in “third place” public spaces) but it’s you, so I don’t mind at all. In fact, I’m hoping you’ll have something to offer or contribute once I’m done here.
See, thing is… I’m having a hell of a lot of trouble finishing “Light of the Outsider.” I mean, I open it up, I know where I’m going, I know what I need to write next… and I can’t bring myself to write it. My “butt is in the chair.” There’s just no interest there. (Hey, look, I made a rhyme.)
It’s not writer’s block. Writer’s block usually comes from being lost, from not knowing where to go with the story. I know exactly where to go next… and sure, I’m not ruling out the idea that might induce blocking, too… so maybe that’s it.
Yeah, I know, I’m typing in circles. I’m musing; brainstorming… just keep reading. You’re in my head; don’t expect it to be tidy.
Anyway. I like the characters, I like the themes of the story… I just can’t seem to write it. The drive isn’t there.
It’s not that there’s no drive to create. Far from it. I’ve always got a drive to create; to make something. So what’s been filling up my head? What has my brain been spending cycles on lately?
I’ve been thinking about the collaborative blog site Kristopher Young and I hope to create. That’s very close — news on that, soon.
I’ve been thinking about the anthology I’ll be editing, “Wordhouse: Songs and Stories.” I thought that was a project for next year; maybe I want to start on it sooner?
I’ve been thinking about a collaborative book on world-building. There isn’t a single-volume general work in print right now, I have a good pool of collaborators to call on to put one together.
I’ve been thinking about the Podcast Guild. What’s next, there?
I’ve been thinking about how it’s been nearly a year since I quit Borders and started promoting “Brave Men Run” and doing freelance stuff. I’ve brought in more freelance income this year than every before, but it’s still not enough to replace the a day job. That’s been weighing on me; I need to do a lot more in that space (”in that space???” Jeez, how corporate speak of me) if I intend to stay away from working for the Man. Granted, that tension / pressure has made it difficult to write.
I’ve been thinking about “Pilgrimage,” the next Sovereign Era novel. Yes, I know that makes a lot of people happy.
In fact, subconsciously, I think the amount of interest in another Sovereign Era book has made it difficult to focus wholeheartedly on a novel with a different setting. Part of me wonders if anyone will care about the Shaper’s World. I am definitely torn between giving people what they want and feeling my usual knee-jerk rebellion / resentment-fueled drive to do exactly the opposite. How much of rebellion is self-sabotage?
“What are you rebelling against?” “Whattaya got?”
– “The Wild One”
I’ve been thinking about music, too. I’m waiting on a new USB mixer… it’ll make podcasting easier, and it’ll make it easier to record music. I’m thinking seriously about getting back into that. I’ve set up my bass rig in my office, and been playing a little. It’s been… three years, or ‘pert near, since I did anything serious with music. I’m getting itchy.
I’m itchy. That’s the thing. I need to scratch, all over. When I scratch at “Light of the Outsider,” the itch just gets worse.
So. Am I talking about abandoning the book? Nah. However, I think it’s time to abandon any hard (or even soft) deadline on that project. Some people have pre-ordered it… there’s the little matter of refunding $175.00 to those folks, because I cannot in good conscience keep their money if I have no idea when the damn thing is seriously gonna be done.
I think… I think what I need to do is work on many things. My passions haven’t burned out. The problem is that the ones that burn brightest change and shift. Is there anything wrong with working on the one that feels strongest at any one time? When did I decide I had to work on one thing until it was done, at the expense of all the others?
Fact is, I’m making this up as I go along. My “creative work ethic,” that is. I don’t know what works best for me. It seems, though, that pushing on one thing — in this case my poor beleaguered noir fantasy novel — isn’t working so well for me.
Maybe I need to try working on a few things at once. More likely, that will mean working on something until something else begins to call to me… work on that… repeat.
You know what excites me the most, right now, as I write this? Putting up a web site for “Wordhouse.” Getting submission guidelines out there to my friends, potential contributors, and the submission sites. Putting it together.
That, and recording music.
Fuck. As soon as I committed those things to the “page,” I got a tight feeling in my chest. Like I’m letting someone down. Like I’m gonna be found out. Like I’m in trouble, somehow.
Fuckin’ Christ. What issue is that all about?
Here’s a little last.fm happiness. Mudhoney’s “Hate the Police” just came on. That song makes me happy. Good balance to the slight frustration I’m feeling.
Anyway. What’s that tightness all about? I dunno. If you have any theories, I’m all ears.
Okay.
Okay.
Tomorrow, I have to work the part-time job in the morning, do a little on-site contract work right after, vote… then…
Make stuff. With no guilt, no pressure, and no self-imposed rules.
I’m still freaked out. Still feel…
You know what it is? Dammit.
It’s fear.
Still feel scared.
That’s all right. If I’m scared, it must matter.
Another Last.fm note. I’m playing songs tagged “grunge,” which brings up a nice random assortment of genre-related songs. I’m shocked how much these tunes from the nineties mean to me. Right now it’s “Chloe Dancer / Crown of Thorns” by Mother Love Bone. It’s almost got me in tears. That simple see-saw bassline, the piano, Andrew Wood’s vocals, the lyrics… it’s hitting the spot.
Anyway.
I think I’m mused out. When this track is over, it’s time to go home, see if my damn mixer has finally arrived, have dinner with the wife, and get goin’ on… everything!
Thanks for reading. As always, I’m interested in your thoughts.
Preaching to the choir, Matt. I know that I definitely won’t be upset with LOTO being put on hold if you are continuing to create other stuff. It is when you don’t wish to create that I might get worried, perhaps raising an eyebrow in concern. After all, nobody wants to be hassled all of the time. It is just annoying.
Regardless, keep doing what makes sense to you. It worked for BMR so why wouldn’t work for any new creations? For now though catch you on the flip side.
Have you ever thought about using voice recognition software while writing? I have used Dragon Naturally Speaking from time to time, especially when I encounter the problems you are talking about (know where I’m going but I can’t get the thoughts through my fingers onto the page). By changing the model to thought to voice to page, it allowed me to get words to page in more of a ’stream of consciousness,’ which helped me get through a particularly bad month on my novel.
I talk about this on The NaNoMonkeys podcast (http://www.teampodcasts.net/nanomonkeys)… the ep. should play during the second half of the month, if you want to hear more :)
P.G.: it’s not so much that I can’t get the thoughts to the page. It’s that I have no drive to put them there!
Using a voice-recog system is an interesting idea, and I may experiment with it again. I tried the tech once before, but that was in… 1999? I’m betting it works a little better these days.
Thanks for the suggestion! Meanwhile, I’m gonna dip my brain into some different things.
I like the voice-recog idea. As I find myself writing more and more, I have come to notice that I write much better if I vocalize the words. Especially in the shower. Maybe I need a water proof voice recorder, or a stenographer in a wet suit. But where would he put his pencil when not using it?
Just a thought, but… seal off a block of time — 48 hours, say — and disregard everything but LotO. This means no IM, no email, no phone, no TV. No leaving your place. You’ll know in three or four hours where you stand. Good luck!
Maybe your problem is the result of having too many irons in the fire. Each new idea or project, while interesting, is distracting you from the origional goal which was to write the book. It sounds as though you are still interested in completing the book, but too many other projects, ideas, etc. are getting in the way.
Hey Matt… I’m a hardcore addict of BMR, so in a selfish sense, I’d have no problem with you jumping back into the Sovereign Era. But, it really doesn’t matter what I want… The problem is that it seems like you don’t know what YOU want. Take some time away from everything and figure it all out. For me, that means two weeks on a motorcycle travelling across the country. Cell phone off… no laptop… “Baby, I’ll call you every few days to let you know I’m still alive”. I manage to get a trip like this in every three years or so. It helps me figure out where I am and what I want. The world “shifts” on that ride.
Sounds like you need the same. Maybe a drive, maybe a vacation, whatever you need to do to get some time where you have no choice but to think and not being able to do anything about it. The “not being able to do anything about it” is the important part. It makes you think some more. “Think” enough without “doing” and you’ll figure out what you really want.
Whatever you decide, good luck. You’ll always have an audience if you want one.
Wow, a ton of comments overnight! You folks actually read the newsletter! I appreciate that!
Paul: Wherever that pencil ends up being used, I bet it adds color to your writing..!
Mark: I would love to isolate myself like that, for any project. I have a dream of renting a beach cabin in San Clemente for a month to that end, one day. Thing is, I do know where I stand with LOTO… that’s what I’ve been fighting against.
Jerry: I figured out that my problem was not allowing myself to have more than one iron in the fire at a time. I need to bounce from project to project, doing each incrementally, rather than force myself to stay chained to one thing at the expense of everything else.
smthng: Does a solo drive to San Francisco on Friday count? Solitude is indeed a great way to re-boot. So is community, which I’ll get in big doses once I arrive at PodCamp West. Both environments help to charge me up.
And sure, of course I want an audience! Anyone who keeps a blog / plays music in front of people / writes books would be lying if they said they didn’t need / want the attention.
Thanks, everybody, for your thoughts. Stay posted!
Matt,
I know writers/editors with a number of irons in the fire, and it’s amazing what they accomplish. The important thing is to finish a project now and then. I like the idea of the world-building book. (You’re not surprised, I imagine.) Often, non-fiction sells better than fiction; and it would be a useful book and easier to market. You could work on it a bit and see how enthusiastic you feel about it. And you can work on your other projects… All the best, Joy
Hello Joy — how great to hear from you!
Thanks for the encouragement! Will I be seeing anything from you for “Wordhouse,” I wonder?
I have to agree with Jerry. I understand having new ideas and having them draw your attention. One of the things I’ve learned it getting done what really needs to be done is focus. Get one thing running and once it’s up, start the next thing…
Of course, I’m guessing with writing, as with coding, you can cycle on what needs to be done and depending on your state of mind, energy, etc. still be working towards the goal. Hang in there bro!
Indeed, when it comes to your basic “to-do” list of priorities and tasks, I agree — do one thing, get it out of the way, and move on. “Eat that frog” and all that.
Writing doesn’t work that way, at least not for me. My brain needs to cycle, as you say. I’m pretty satisfied with where my skull is at, now that I’ve figured out this one thing that should have been (?) fairly obvious!
Okay, I know where I am with my new book, but that doesn’t mean I’m focused at the moment on writing it. “San Clemente” is a state of mind, no?
Matt,
Re: Wordhouse. It’s a fantastic anthology idea, but while I enjoy music, I don’t have any ideas about a story with it. I did send the info to a writer I know who’s in the music field and also a non-fiction writer (possibly also fiction). She thanked me…
Re: The worldbuilding book. As I recall, you had some great info about that, and you could use my worldbuilding piece, if you wanted. And I have some articles on The Idea Boutique that might be relevant: http://ideaboutique.blogspot.com/
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