The day I originally planned to record this episode didn’t work out the way I’d planned in many ways. Instead, my subconscious called me out on my own inauthentic behavior… and put me through an emotional wringer of anxiety and depressive behavior that took a few days to really shake off.
That experience was ultimately a fruitful one, though… both for me, going forward, and I hope for you, as well, if the lesson described in this episode resonate with you in your own creative struggle.
It’s all about breaking away from fear and the stagnatingly familiar in order to live the life, and make the art, we believe we want.
After some research, what I in the episode call social anxiety probably actually isn’t. My symptoms don’t match the clinical description. What I experienced is more likely a bit of social withdrawal connected to depression — in other words, social anxiety didn’t trigger depressive behavior, depressive behavior gave rise to feeling an odd mix of anxiety and apathy about going to the event.
Speaking of, throughout the episode, I speak of having a depressive episode. Clinically, that’s probably not accurate, and I certainly do not mean to misrepresent or diminish the plight of those who deal with diagnosed chronic depression. It’s more likely I deal with a minor form of dysthymia, or Persistent Depressive Disorder. I must be clear that I have never been diagnosed (thought I certainly should get that handled…)
The episode of the Amazon Prime series Mozart in the Jungle that pushed me to record this episode of Sonitotum before I went to bed is “The Coach,” season four, episode five. Just watched the last few minutes again to be sure. Brings me to tears every single time!
This episode, and all that led to this episode, was quite the emotional rollercoaster. I came off of that ride a little different and, hopefully, incrementally just a touch closer to who I want to be.
If you listened and you can relate, I’d love to hear about it.
Tell me what you think about the episode, and if you’re willing, please share your own experiences with depression and anxiety, especially with regard to how your own creative process is affected by those conditions. Let’s hear from you in the comments!
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The opening theme song of Sonitotum is “Anastasia” written, performed, and recorded by yours truly, Matthew Wayne Selznick. You can hear or buy the full song on YouTube, Spotify, Amazon.com, iTunes, or just about anywhere you can buy or stream music online.
The closing and interstitial music is a little ditty I call “Gwinton,” also by yours truly, Matthew Wayne Selznick. It’s super-short and really just a looping thing, so it’s not available outside of the show.
On both songs, I play a 1972 Gibson Ripper bass guitar and a Fender “Bullet” Squire electric guitar. On “Anastasia,” the drums are performed on an Akai Professional MPD218 MIDI drum pad controller. For “Gwinton,” the drums are royalty-free loops found in the excellent Mixcraft Pro Studio software, which was also used to record, mix, and master both “Anastasia” and “Gwinton.”
Interested in starting your own podcast? Need help managing your existing show? I can help you like I help The What Matters Most Podcast and The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz, among others. Reach out!
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“Depression is your brain overcompensating for nonexistent threats.” That’s going on my bulletin board!
Matthew Wayne Selznick
Hi Rebecca! Your comment made my day. I will always try to be bulletin board worthy for you!
Amazing, heartfelt episode. I’m glad I found this!
Matthew Wayne Selznick
Aw, thanks Tim! Spread the word if you’re comfortable doing so — ratings and review in iTunes or wherever / however you listen to your podcasts help so much to raise the signal!
Was there anything in particular that struck you about this episode and / or the subject?
The things that really stood out to me were your openness in discussing a tough topic and the fact that the answers just aren’t easy.
Matthew Wayne Selznick
Thanks for that — and too true, the answers just aren’t easy… especially answers that lead to meaningful growth / progress / enhancement, in writing and everything else!